Alone
by musicsage
Summary: Kenshin's thoughts and feelings after Tomoe's death. Songfic to Carolyn, by Zox. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: **If Watsuki-sama dies and leaves the rights to Ruroken to me, of all people, I will be shocked (and horrified? maybe honored?). Sorry guys, don't own it!

**Author's Note**: Key- _Manga quotes_, **song lyrics.** Manga quotes are courtesy of Maigo-chan's terrific website, and the song is "Carolyn" by Zox. (I don't own that, either, but I do own Zox's CDs, and so should you! ;P) Also, just a note - there is so much stuff between sections of the actual fic that I want to forewarn you so that you can keep the continuity & flow of the story in mind. If you think you might be confused, the best way to appreciate how the quotes and lyrics apply to the story is probably to read it twice - the first time, just reading the story, and the second, reading the other stuff as well and looking for the connections. Now, enough of that - on with the show!

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_**Alone**_

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_In plays they always say, "A rain of blood fell" . . . But you really made it rain blood._

**Summer swept Kyoto and left us with a little bit of rain.  
We are trembling, glistening, listening to the rumble of the elevated train.**

Tomoe honestly unnerved me for awhile after I brought her back to Okami's inn that early summer evening. She was imperturbable, yet simultaneously she was the only person who could perturb me. We started on shaky ground, but eventually we learned our way around each other. And she swept me away, making me answer all the _why_'s in my life.

_I'm doing this only to bring a new age where everyone can live in peace. I don't kill indiscriminately. Only armed members of the Bakufu who oppose us. Naturally civilians might oppose us as well, but I would never strike an unarmed man._

_So bad people carry swords, and good people don't? Then, if I had been carrying a sword that night, would you have--_

_That's . . ._

_When you have an answer for me, please let me know._

_Wait a minute! You're just going to walk out? …Am I going crazy? Or, are things finally starting to make sense . . ._

**And I have never been afraid of opening myself up to a dream.  
But now you've filled me like a bubble and the trouble is I'm bursting at the seams.**

Before I met her, I'd never questioned my sacrifice for the Ishin Shishi's cause. In some ways I had regretted it, certainly, as I watched the consequences of my decision tear up my own soul as if from far away - numbed, as I was - but I had always known that in the end, there was no replacement for what I'd given. If I withdrew, Katsura-san would have a much more difficult time accomplishing his goals, if he could do so at all. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that my fear damaged the possibility of my dream's attainment. I knew this, but Tomoe forced me to question the killing, question the hitokiri's life and gradual deterioration thereof, question the means for attaining my dream for a new era and a better world with all their collateral damage. Her questions made me struggle for some time, made my world even madder than before, but also, gradually, gave me greater clarity as the smoke finally cleared. And she helped me clear the fog. She helped me find my purpose. The very night before her death, I told her that I would finish what I'd started, but after the war I would find a way to protect the new age without killing. That's what I told her, and that gave me a new reason to be… but two days ago - has it really been only two days? - I wasn't sure if I could carry on after what I'd done. She'd filled my heart with hope, but when I followed her into the snowy forest that morning, I ended up cutting down that hope with my own blade. Even emptier than I'd been before she'd saved me, I went out of control when I realized what I'd done. For I'd done the one thing I'd sworn I could never do.

I'd killed her.

**I can't leave you, Tomoe.  
It has never been so quiet and my heart will never beat this loud again.  
I can't leave you, Tomoe  
to walk back out amongst the strangers, strangers who've grown closer than my friends.**

Katsura-san left this morning after a brief visit, and when the children finished playing with me, I told them as well as I could that they were not to come back again. Now the silence is deafening. Tomoe and I were never very loud, but without her presence, her ki to ease my sixth sense… The quietness of her absence is stifling. I need to leave soon. I don't know whether the idea of abandoning her body, this house, the memories and feelings attached to them, is more or less painful than that of keeping them. But I know what I will do - what I must do. I must return to my "friends" at the Ishin Shishi headquarters. (Even when I'd thought I could trust Iizuka, though, I'd preferred the company of strangers. In a weird way, people who didn't know what I was were both easier and more difficult to be around, but at least they didn't stare…) And I also know that my heart will never again be so full and content as it has been these past five months... I will never have the kind of happiness I shared with Tomoe again.

_I understand. If I abandon the sword now, all the lives I've taken will be for nothing. Tomoe taught me the many small happinesses people live for. Until there can be an age lit up by these small happinesses, I will wield the sword. But when the new age comes . . ._

_. . . You'll throw away the sword?_

_I don't know. But I'll never kill again. Never again . . ._

**But now I've let you in and you begin to shake my precarious world.  
Sometimes love can be so lonely.  
Sometimes love leaves you alone.**

Yes, at first she'd shaken my vision. I've never been so unsure of myself as when she questioned my hitokiri's lifestyle - and yet, oddly, I had a sense of being more in control with the new direction her questions gave me. And then she led me to my answers. She gave me true happiness, the simple joys of a life untainted; memories of this happiness have become my reason to fight for the new age. I still do not understand why she chose to die… to give up her _life_, and for _me_… Thinking of her death at my hands - and her fiancé's death - causes me still a horrible ache as I remember how much pain I caused her. I can only hope that before I gave her death, I gave her some of the same joy she gave me. I can only hope… hope for a peaceful era where I can fulfill my promise and protect without killing. Hope I must, though it seems impossible. Though I was sure I couldn't, two days ago. Though I wondered at first what I could possibly do without the completion of my soul that Tomoe gave me. But even alone, I can - I must - fulfill the oath I gave her.

So tonight I gather the few belongings I care to bring to Kyoto and light the rest in flames. The cottage, our things, her body - all burn down as I walk away. I don't know if I want the fire to preserve their purity or burn away my pain, though in my mind and memories it must be impossible to do either. I don't know for sure what I'll do when the war ends, and I don't want to think that far ahead now. So I try not to look back, but I cannot forget… She made me uncomfortable at first by intruding my solitude, but now my pain is that for the first time since I met Tomoe months ago…

I'm alone.

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**Author's Note**: I couldn't resist making a fic out of this when I heard the song, but I cut out a few lines that didn't quite fit with my storyline. I also changed two words (Chicago to Kyoto, and Carolyn to Tomoe). For the full lyrics,go to Zox's website (silly QuickEdit won't let me add a URL, so just google them...). Also, while I'm generally a bit of a manga purist, I don't think the manga mentions Kenshin burning down his cottage in Otsu, so that part's from the OVA. There are probably a couple somewhat confusing portions in here… :sweatdrop: But I'll not make this lengthy by explaining everything I think potentially confusing and hope that y'all will ask me yourself :cough:pleasereview:cough:

Laura


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